Snape Snap
by Pure Black
Summary: Apparently someone above doesn't like Severus Snape very much. Just a silly story
1. Crazy sound

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**SNAPE SNAP**

**CHAPTER ONE**

_by Pure Black_

**NOTE:** It started out as an one shot, but was continued. I hope you'll like it, please give it a chance.

**INFORMATION:** www. live journal. com /users/ draycious 

**CONTACT:** blackmoore 

**OTHER:** Check out the story THE RETURN OF SLYTHERIN 

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Severus Snape was giggling as he walked around in the corridor. A third year student watched his potion professor with startled brown eyes. He had never heard Severus Snape giggling before and even less, _laugh_, which Severus began to do now. He idly wondered if the usually strict professor had been affected by a potion of some sort, but decided that he'd better stay away from the Profesor which seemed to have gone mad. Who knew what Snape could do in this condition?

Severus continued his ungraceful walk until he reached the great hall where every seventh and sixth year student was gathered. Every professor of Hogwarts sat down at the teacher table and waited for his arrival. He was slightly late, but it wasn't easy to walk around, laughing. His stomach ached but he couldn't seem to stop. 

Severus saw Harry Potter and began to giggle again. Harry glared at him with angry green eyes and Severus laughed out loud at that. He went to the teacher table and sat down in his usual seat.

His colleagues watched him funny but they didn't say anything.

Albus Dumbledore, the headmaster of Hogwarts, stood up. Severus wanted to hate the man, since he was the cause of his current madness, but he couldn't bring himself to do it. The man meant too much for him to do that. 

The whole hall went silent.

Albus cleared his throat before he spoke. "The reason for our meeting here today is about the upcoming ball for sixth and seventh years only." The headmaster lost track sligtly when Severus laughed again. Dumbledore looked at him before he quickly pulled himself together; something Severus Snape didn't do.

"And, _ahem_, we, the **professors** are going to dance with you, the students," Albus continued and tried to ignore Snape. Severus began to laugh like mad and doubled over in his chair. It almost sounded like he was crying, instead of laughing. 

"...And Professor Snape drew the shortest stick among us, which will make him stand for the entertainment and sing."

Severus was howling in laugher and tears spilled down his cheeks. He was hardly getting any air to his lungs and was paleing and his lips began to look slightly blueish. Hogwarts couldn't affort hireing any band this year, so the Professors had to take it upon themselves to make the ball work, and since neither one of them wanted to embaress themselves they had to make a lottery out of it. Snape had lost, and it drove him mad. 

"Poppy, dear. Please give him a calming potion," said Albus concerned.

"HA ha ha, **Me,** aha ha ha, sing... AHAHAHAHAHA... ha!" Severus fainted.

"Poor man, the chock was too big!" said Albus but his eyes were twinkling of withhold laugher.

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	2. Terrible Lie

**Note:** It was supposed to be a one shot but I obviously continued it. **I NEED A BETA**! Email me… Snap

Chapter 2: _Terrible Lie_

Severus satbehind his desk in his office and enjoyed the silence. Gone were all the terrible noises the stupid incompetent brats made, and gone were their stares and whispers when they thought he didn't notice. Two weeks had passed since the ball had taken place. Since the moment he left that stage, after he had sung three songs, he hadn't had a quiet moment once he left his office. Even his colleagues were eyeing him like he was some newstrange kind of species. He sighed mournfully as he thought back a few weeks, on how the students didn't dare come near him. He wanted that back goddamn it! And now he couldn't have that because of that _stupid _headmaster…

**Flashback**

After his little faint stunt in the Great Hall he obviously didn't know what was going on until he woke up in the hospital wing with six of his colleagues staring down at him.

"My dear boy! You're awake!" the headmaster said. _'State the obvious, why don't you….' _he thought sourly. He was a bit embarrassed by his stunt. He didn't like showing his weak sides… but then again, who wouldn't have shown them if they too had to sing in front of the entireschool?

"I am," he said to the headmaster to amuse him. Albus looked down at him with that stupid twinkle in his eyes. How he hated it! It always meant trouble. _'Well for me anyway' _he added.

"You must have skipped some meals again my dear boy. You know what I've said about that." Severus rolled his eyes mentally. He knew indeed. The headmaster always bullied him about not skipping meals. He skipped them sometimes because he was busy with potions. The headmaster didn't seem to realise that he was a full grown man and very much capable of looking after himself.

Madam Pomfrey pushed away some of his colleagues to gain a better access to him and he almost groaned. What was far worst was that Albus had managed to get his staff members tojump onthe train of "make sure Severus eats." He didn't even care to counthow many times he'd argued with them about it. He had since a longway back lost the count.

"All right Severus, open up," Poppy told him. He looked suspiciously at the vial she held in her hand. Apparently she noticed.

"Oh for gods sake Severus! It's not poison. You're the one who made it! Surely you recognize…" she trailed off and muttered about one thing or another. He knew he'd better open up before she forced it down his throat and he knew she would. (He'd experienced that when he was younger and didn't care to make a replay).

Half an hour later he managed to convince them he was fine, (Actually he lied and said that he was going to bed), and he fled the hospital wing and locked himself into his office.

**The Next Day**

It was the day of the ball and everyone was talking about it. The sixth and seventh years girls were getting hysterical and changed cloths like a chameleon while the boys got hand sweat and those who still didn't have a date ran around in the castle, trying to pick someone up for tonight. The younger years were sulking and envious of those who were old enough to go. Some of the younger girls functioned as maidens for the older ones and helped them with their hair, cloths and make up. The teachers were also excited and the female teachers were together in Minerva's quarters to help each other get ready. Even the "seer" Sybil was down there. Minerva was in a too good mood to even care of her presence. Even so, during normal circumstances she'd throw her out of course.

The male teachers were taking a drink together up in the headmaster's office, discussing and making betsonwhich oneof the female teachers would look prettiest in her dress. Every one was there, accept for Severus Snape.

Severus was lying in his bed, buried underneath sixteen pillows and two quilts. He felt very good in there, it was dark and silent. Not to mention that it was a good hiding place away from everyone in the world. His whole bedroom was pitch black, the magical windows were spelled to show a midnight sky, covered with gleaming stars. His walls in the room were painted black, his carpet black and his furniture black. All of his colleagues said his room was very gloomy and dull; they even dared suggest it was void of any colours! Couldn't they see the different black colours? His walls for example were painted in _deep black_, his carpet was of a_ blue-black_ colour and his wardrobe was painted in _rich black_. It wasn't his fault they were all colour blind!

Black was a beautiful colour. Besides, his whole quarters weren't painted in black. Neither was his office. His office was grey, his bathroom emerald green and his living room was designed in a creamy and brown colour scheme because he liked coffee.

He intended to stay in bed all day long, perhaps the others forgot about him so he didn't have to sing. If they did rememberhe could always faint again. And if that didn't work he could always drink himself underneath the table. Or get everyone else drunk so they wouldn't listen to his performance.Every year so far some of the students would try to spike the punch and every year so far he had caught the brats before they managed, but let's say that maybe he'd fail to catch them _just this once_… (Even if he'd seen them of course…) No one would be the wiser… and he could get drunk… and the others drunk so htey would all miss the singing part…

Severus bolted out of bed. _'Excellent plan Severus!' _he told himself. Of course he had to take precaution too, it wouldn't do if no one would try to spike it this year, so he decided to carry a bottle of concentrated _wizarding alcohol_ with him. It was strong enough to alcohol poisoning one person with three drops of it, if it wasn't diluted with anything. No one would suspect him, the feared Severus Snape, to spike the student's ball punch. He wouldn't poison them of course… on the other hand this was a great chance of getting rid of all the brats… but he didn't fancy being known as the mad Professor who killed kids with alcohol. Imagine that he'd be called _the-Professor-who-alcohol-poisoned-his students_. He winched at the name. The plan he had however, would actually work.

'_Oh you're such a good Slytherin Severus' _he congratulated himself.

**The Evening**

Severus sat up at the headtable and didn't even bother to listen to Albus's mad speech. He had always hated those anyways. He heard Minerva on his left side whispering to Sybil and they giggled about something. _'When did these two become all cosy- whoosey?' _He thought irritably. He absolutely detested Sybil and that was the only thing he and Minerva had in common. He'd hate to think he'd lost that one thing he had Minerva had. If they had, that would mean he'd have to see more of Sybil in the future… _'Sybil-Future. Ha!' _he thought and made a mental snort.

He woke up from his musings when Albus announced that the teachers would open the dance with their students.

"And here I have a bowl with all your names written onlittle notes." Albus told the students. "I will pick one name for each teacher and you'll open the dance together. This might cause you to be partnered with one of the same gender, I hope you think nothing of it." Albus looked out over the crowd with a twinkle in his eyes and Severus got a bad feeling again.

"Fist out Hagrid _and_…" Albus said and picked a note out of the bowl. "Draco Malfoy!" he exclaimed and looked at the students happily. They had all burst out in laugher. Severus looked over at his Slytherin table and looked at Draco sharply. _'Ha! He looks ready to faint… He'd better not, he's a Slytherin after all…' _he thought and ignored the tiny little voice in the back of his head that told him he'd doneit himselfonly yesterday.

He enjoyed the next few minutes with thinking rude thoughts about the couples Albus announced.

"Severus Snape _and_…" _'Yes, this will be interesting, let's see what his couple comes up with... Wait it's me! _

**_Oh shit!' _**he thought.

Albus picked a note and his eyebrows went up as he read it. '_Don't say it, don't say it…' _"Harry Potter!" _'Nooooo! You said it you fing dim-witted As'hole!' _he cursed.

"F''K!" he said out loud and Minerva had the nerve to hit him on the arm!

"Behave yourself and control your language in front of the children!" she hissed at him. Only then he noticed the hall was silent and they had all heard his little…exclaim. They had also heard Minerva lecture him. _'Can it get any worse?' _he thought.

"Right then students. After the opening dance you'll get twenty minutes of dancing on your own, after that we'll interrupt you with some performances, mainly Professor Hagrid, Professor Mcgonagall and Professor Sprout doing a sketch, two students show us a dance performance and of course…I'm sure we'll all excited to hear Professor Snape sing!" Albus said. _'It can,' _he decided. _'Trust the old cot to…' _Whatever he was going to…think… was interrupted by the other teachers standing up, and the ones next to him (Minerva and Sprout) grabbing his arms to make him go with them. Albus waved his arm and music began. Minerva dragged him over to the Gryffindor table and they were walking over to Potter.

"Care to make a switch? I'll take Draco and you take Potter. It's a win-win trade," he hissed in a desperate attempt to get out of it.

"Really Severus, trying to persuade me to get you out of this? I don't think so! I'm disgusted how _Slytherin_ it is of you!" she hissed back. Severus was flattered.

"Why thank you, it isn't every day I get such a lovely compliment from you," he said. He knew it would annoy her.

She responded with pushing him towards Potter who was sitting only half a meter away from them. He was caught unaware of her push so he lost his balance and fell into Potters lap. The Gryffindors laughed at him.

"Got in the punch already Professor?" Potter dared ask him, looking innocent. _'Innocent my ass!' _he thought.

He got up and righted himself.

"F'''ing Minerva," he muttered before he faced Potter. He could see that the brat had heard him because he looked amused. "Come on Potter, let's get this over with!" he said.

He grabbed Potter's arm and led him to the floor. Then they danced, all the time glaring at each other.

'_I hate him, I hate him, I hate him, I hate him, I… Bloody hate this stupid ball!' _he thought.

After the dance he left Potter and went into a dark corner to sulk. He stood near the punch so he could see if any students would make an attempt to get their fellows drunk... or if he had to do thework himself. After ten minutes he saw two Gryffindors, Finnigan and Thomas walking toward the punch. _'That kid is infamous in this school for trying to make rum out of water' _he thought. _' He if anyone…' _He watched Finnigan take out a bottle of Wizarding Alcohol and add some of it in the punch while Thomas hid him from view. _'I'm **sooo** good at this' _Severus thought. He was right as usual, he always caught the students red handed. However, he wouldlet the two Gryffindors escape this time. He watched themgoaway.As soon as they had disappeared in the crowd he went over to the punch and took a big glass of it and drowned it in one. After that he took another one, and another and another…

"Severus my boy!" Severus groaned and turned around. He had only managed to drink six glasses so far, and yes he was getting tipsy but not terrible drunk yet. Or so he thought.

"Enjoying the punch my boy?"

"Yezz, I mean Yes," he said and shook his head to get rid of the fog which was slowly covering his brain. Albus looked at him searchingly.

"Have you caught any students yet this year?" he asked and gestured towards the punch.

"Yes… and I sch- stopped them as always."

"Please say after me. 'One Jesus statue sat on the sitting place and the sitting students watched Jesus sitting on the sitting place'."

Severus blinked up at him.

"One…" he began.

"One Jesus statue…" Albus said.

"One Yeshus schtatue…" he began boldly. He thought for a second. "Schat on the schitting… Place…"and the he lost it. He had no idea of what came next.

Albus looked at him and his eyes were twinkling again.

"Sure you haven't missed someone?"

"No…"he said unconvincingly…

"That my boy… is a terrible lie… but do not fear. I'll fix this punch right up and think nothing of it!" Albus said happily. He waved his wand and the punch was once again just some regular…punch. Albus left and Severus stared after him. When he was sure he was gone and no one waswatching he pulled out the bottle of alcohol and added some. The punch was yet again spiked and his plan saved.

"Muhahaha!" he laughed as he went (swaying) back to his corner with a glass of punch in his hand.

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	3. Terrible drunk

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**SNAPE SNAP**

**CHAPTER 3**

**_BETA: D.A._ **

With much satisfaction he watched how the students drank of the punch and soon enough at least 95 percentof the students began to sway around in the room. Some of his colleagues had also found out about the spiked punch but instead of doing anything about it they pretended they didn't noticed while at the same time they made sure to drink a lot of it too. Free alcohol for everybody, they had thought! Snape snorted. Some of his colleagues would do anything for some alcohol even let the whole student population get drunk. While not many knew it, or would even think it, Minerva was a heavy drinker and she could easily drink most of the male staff underneath the table. Hagrid and she used to visit the pubs together quite frequently since the big oaf was good at holding his liquid down being half Giant and all. Albus made his way over to the refreshment table but did not check the drinks this time, he only ate some snacks and smacked with his tongue happily.

"Severus" he asked him. He looked up at the headmaster. He had hoped no one would talk to him.

"Yesh" he asked and tried to look alert and not influenced by anything mind fogging of any kind. (When he was younger he used to smoke some dope, something Albus had caught him doing.) Speaking of which, maybe he could introduce that to the kids? That ought to shut them up. He remembered his own school time with fondness, whenever he didn't think of four certain Gryffindorks, a smile played in his thoughts. When the Slytherins smoked the atmosphere was like 'Chill man, whatever man, relax'. Maybe he should start smoking again, who would know, right?

"Are you prepared for your performance my dear boy" He managed to give Albus a half sneer before he went away, mumbling about being thirsty. He grabbed the spoon in the bowl and poured some into his glass. He followed the movement of the liquid, so he was pretty close to downing his glass when it ran down from the spoon. At the time he couldn't understand why some students pointed finger at him and giggled. He was normal like everybody else, right? RIGHT?

He shrugged and found another unoccupied corner to hide in since Albus had found out about the last one. Making sure nobody saw he added some extra alcohol into his glass. _All I need now is some Slytherin **adult **company, some pot and ten shots of tequila, oh and some hot and willing woman. I am not asking for much so I better get it…_ He thought dreamily.

SNAPE's OFFICE, current time

From that moment on things begun to get fussy when he thought back about before. He remembered adding some more alcohol into his glass… and he wondered if he did actually fall sleep for a while. That would explain things. Because the next thing he remembered was being lifted up by Hagrid of all persons.

FLASHBACK

"You'le go" he slurred.

"Don't cha worrin' Sev'rus I gotcha," Hagrid boomed. Severus actually moaned slightly. He didn't like to hear that _loud _voice straight in his ear.

"Lemme down" he said and tried to wriggle his way down. He half managed because he went down, pressed tightly against Hagrid's front body but from there the big idiot caught him underneath his arms so he hang there like a small baby to cuddle with. He didn't like this situation at all and nobody should have to be that close to Hagrid, it was just wrong! At the moment he didn't much care about who saw him, his mind was too far-gone to even think about that. Finally Hagrid let him down, just in time for him to stagger away and throw up in a big flowerpot. He faintly recognized the sound of other's retching behind him and understood that some people who were also drunk had only just followed his example. It was typical during parties and similar events when alcohol was present; when one threw up everyone else did too.

"Severus my boy! How are you" _Albus, **again, oh great**! _He was turned around by wrinkly old hands and his response was to throw up some more on the headmaster's robes. He had to give Albus some credit through. The man didn't even bat an eye. He simply vanished the mess with a wave of his wand and led him to the bathroom where he cleaned him up.

"Now when you're respectable again Severus," said Albus and sounded slightly stern "We can finally allow you to sing" Albus had barely time to step away before Severus retched terrible again.

"Dear Merlin boy! What did you eat?" Albus's surprised voice asked.

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